Quotations
80% of success is showing up.
My movies are more popular in France than back at home. The subtitles must be great.
I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in 20 minutes. It's about Russia.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I am at two with nature.
If you're going through hell - keep going.
But there for the grace of God, goes God.
We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.
We are all worms. But I do believe that I'm a glow worm.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last.
Although prepared for martyrdom, I prefer that it be postponed.
Already by 1900 I could boast I had written as many books as Moses.
Out of intense complexities intense simplicities emerge.
I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught.
We shape our buildings; thereafter they shape us.
Writing a book is an adventure: it begins as an amusement, then it becomes a mistress, then a master, and finally a tyrant.
My favourite poem is the one that begins 'Thirty days hath September... It actually tells you something.'
If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Quote me as saying that I was misquoted.
Before they made SJ Pearlman, they broke the mould.
I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
A child of five would understand this. Send somebody to fetch a child of five.
Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thoughts I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Television is very educational. Every time it comes on, I go to another room and read a book.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Look at me: I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -- and does.
Your eyes shine like the pants of my blue serge suit.
There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he's crooked.
I never go to movies where the hero's bust is bigger than the heroine's.
I watched a cricket match for three hours waiting for it to start.
A private hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. Groucho Marx
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train.
I like to do all the talking myself. It saves time and prevents arguments.
When I see a spade, I call it a spade. I'm glad to say I have never seen a spade. The man who would call a spade a spade should be compelled to use it. It's the only thing he's fit for.
I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It's never of any use to oneself.
I'm glad to hear that you smoke. A man should always have an occupation of some kind.
Vulgarity is simply the conduct of other people.
The suspense is terrible, I hope it will last.
The play was a great success, but the audience was a disaster.
The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
The best one can say of modern creative art is that it is just a little less vulgar than reality.
Only the shallow know themselves.
One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people we personally dislike.
Moderation is a fatal thing.... Nothing succeeds like excess.
Man can believe the impossible, but can never believe the improbable.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But it is better to be good than to be ugly.
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad: people are either charming or tedious.
In all pointed sentences some degree of accuracy must be sacrificed to conciseness.
If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.
If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't deserve to have any.
I have put my genius into my life; all I've put into my works is my talent.
I am not young enough to know everything.
George Moore leads his readers to the latrine and locks them in.
Every great man nowadays has his disciples, and it is always Judas who writes the biography.
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
Bad artists always admire each other's work.
An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.
America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
All art is quite useless. So is a flower.
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
A pessimist is one who, when he has a choice of two evils, chooses both.
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese didn't invent custard.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over ploughed fields with weights tied to his scrotum.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
I can't see the sense in making me a CBE. They might as well make me a commander of Milton Keynes. At least that exists.
Is anything worn beneath the kilt? - No, it's all in perfect working order.
One day the don't-knows will get in, and then where will we be?
Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.
When she saw the sign 'Members only' she thought of him.
I figure the faster I pedal, the faster I can retire. Lance Armstrong.
You have to expect things of yourselves before you can do them. Michael Jordan
Always turn a negative situation into a positive situation. Michael Jordan
I realized that if I was going to achieve anything in life I had to be agressive. I had to get out there and go for it... I know fear is an obstacle for some people, but it's an illusion to me. Michael Jordan
My attitude is that if you push me towards something that you think is a weakness, then I will turn that perceived weakness into a strength. Michael Jordan
Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it. Michael Jordan
Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make it happen. Michael Jordan
Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence wins championships. Michael Jordan
When I've got nothing better to do, I look down the league table to see how Everton are getting along. Bill Shankly
A lot of football success is in the mind. You must believe you are the best and then make sure that you are. Bill Shankly
Me having no education. I had to use my brains. Bill Shankly
What a great day for football, all we need is some green grass and a ball. Bill Shankly
This city has two great teams - Liverpool and Liverpool reserves. Bill Shankly
The trouble with referees is that they know the rules, but they do not know the game. Bill Shankly
If you're not sure what to do with the ball, just pop it in the net and we'll discuss your options afterwards. Bill Shankly
During the afternoon it rained only in this stadium - our kitman saw it. There must be a micro-climate here. Jose Mourinho
My family love living in London. It is a fantastic city and a city such as this deserves to host the Olympic Games. Jose Mourinho
We are on top at the moment but not because of the club's financial power. We are in contention for a lot of trophies because of my hard work. Jose Mourinho
If I made a mistake then I apologise. I am happy that I'm not going to jail because of that. Jose Mourinho
What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football? Stuart Hall
And here we are at the colloseum, with a match of titanic proportions about to take place. Will the gladitorial figurine of Owen add to his mighty goals tally? Stuart Hall
We are playing sexy football - in fact it is an orgy of football - the other team know they are going to get it, but they don't know when or where from Sam Hamman
I play with a fear of letting people down. That's what motivates me. Johnny Wilkinson
I only get the points because I have team-mates who do the work and put me in the position to get them. Johnny Wilkinson
There's a lot to be pleased about and there is a lot to be down about on what we can improve on (after scoring 35 points in an 80 - 23 win!) Johnny Wilkinson
I'm so fast that last night I turned the light switch off in my bedroom and I was in bed before the room was dark. Muhammad Ali
If they can make penicillin out of mouldy bread, they can sure make something out of you. Muhammad Ali
Joe's gonna be smokin' an' I ain't even jokin but I'll be peckin' and a pokin' and I'll pour water on that smokin'. Now this might astound and amaze ya but I will destroy Jo Frazier. Muhammad Ali
If I had an argument with a player we would sit down for twenty minutes, talk about it and then decide I was right! Brian Clough
Well, either side could win, or it could be a draw. Ron Atkinson
I think the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was. Ron Atkinson
I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime on that prat. Ron Atkinson
I never make predictions and I never will. Paul Gascoigne
The manager still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve. John Greig
You'd think that if any team could put up a good wall, it would be China. Terry Venables
Once rugby players have succeeded in putting their boots on the right feet, the mental challenge of the game is largely over. Derek Robinson
You can make a lot of money out of golf. Ask my ex-wives. Lee Trevino
My toughest fight was with my first wife. Muhammad Ali
John McCririck looks like a hedge dragged through a man backwards. Clive James
Nobody knows anything, but I, knowing nothing, am the smartest man in the world. Socrates
Start off every day with a smile. Get it out of the way. WC Fields
There is only one corner of the world that you can change and that is your own. Aldous Huxley
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. - Tom Clancy
All men are cremated equal. Anon
One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes. Rita Rudner
It was the stickiest moment since Sticky the stick insect got stuck to a sticky bun. Blackadder
You can lead a horse a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. Stan Laurel.
I don't stand on protocol. Just call me your Excellency. Henry Kissinger
But enough of me, let's talk about you. What do you think of me? Bette Midler
When a man opens a car door for a woman, it's either a new car or a new wife. Prince Philip
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. Victor Borge
As the cow said to the farmer, 'Thank you for a warm hand on a cold morning.' JFK
I have a really nice step ladder, sadly, I never knew my real ladder. Harry Hill
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln
At the Job Centre, my father gave his occupation as astronaut, but not prepared to travel. Roy Chubby Brown
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. Mark Twain
I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say. Jimmy Carr
I'm not a snob, ask anybody. Well, anybody who matters. Simon LeBon
My friend Lily can tell 157 different types of cheese, just by looking at the labels. Mrs Merton
A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. Tommy Cooper
I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain. Tommy Cooper
Mobile phones are the only subject on which men discuss who has got the smallest. Neil Kinnock
What do you think has been the effect of the French revolution? It is too early to tell. Chairman Mao, 1970
The mobile phone, the fax, emails. Call me old fashioned, but what's wrong with a chain of beacons? Harry Hill
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. Benjamin Disraeli
Mr Speaker, I withdraw my statement that half of the cabinet are asses - half the cabinet are not asses. Benjamin Disraeli
Being President is like running a cemetery. There's a lot of people beneath you and nobody's listening. Bill Clinton
The forest fires are the worst disaster in California since I was elected. Arnold Schwarzenegger
Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?' Tommy Cooper
The prize I value most was given to me 60 years ago. I was named the girl with the cleanest fingernails. Beryl Bainbridge
I never accepted a knighthood because to me, is honour enough? George Bernard Shaw
If you think squash is a competitive activity, try flower arrangement. Alan Bennett
Torvill and Dean were wonderful on ice, but when you get them out on the street, they're all over the place. Harry Hill
I never hated any of my ex-fiances enough to return the rings. Zsa Zsa Gabor
How beautiful it is to do nothing and then rest afterwards. Spanish proverb
It is better to have loafed and lost than never have loafed at all. James Thurber
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass. WC Fields
Please Leave Heather For All To Enjoy - Sign in the Scottish Highlands
I have never heard any Stockhausen, but I do believe I have stepped in some. Thomas Beecham
Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips. Joan Rivers
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. George Bernard Shaw
I was a ballerina, but I had to quit after a groin injury. It wasn't my groin. Rita Rudner
I handed a script in to the studio last year and they didn't change a word. The word they didn't change was on page 87. Steve Martin
'Rod Stewart Songs to Become Musical' - Headline on BT web site
I come from a long line of actors. It's called the dole queue. Alan Davis
He brought to every one of his roles the quality of needing the money. Stephen Fry
Stardom - some pigs have it. Some pigs don't. Miss Piggy
The nice thing about being famous is that you can bore people and they think it's their fault. Henry Kissinger
Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't allow into your house. David Frost
I keep Radio 3 on at all times, just to deter burglars. Jane O'Hara
Norwegian television gives you the sensation of a coma without the worry or inconvenience. Bill Bryson
Scholes and Van Nistelrooy drugged the last two defenders.
Ryan Giggs is running long up the backside.
Yes, Woodcock would have scored but his shot was just too perfect.
Our fans have been branded with the same brush.
The Spaniards have been reduced to aiming aimless balls into the box.
Liverpool are outnumbered numerically in midfield.
Theres lots of balls dropping off people.
The keeper should have saved that one, but he did.
Their strength is their strength.
They are playing above the ground.
He could have done a lot better there, but full marks to the lad.
Jari Litmanen should be made compulsory.
Heskey needs to punch his own weight.
Apart from picking the ball out of the net, he hasn’t had to make a save.
Scholes is very influential for England at international level.
At international level, giving the ball away doesn’t work too often.
You know when I say that things happen in matches? Well, it just happened there.
They've certainly grown, the Japanese. I mean grown in stature, playing-wise.
Liverpool will think 'we could have won this 2-2.'
I'm sure Bobby won't want them to be losing the match before winning it.
Their forward got a lucky squeeze from the defender.
Yordi circumnavigated Ledley King there.
The Spaniards have been reduced to aiming aimless balls into the box.
Lee Dixon will be up against two South American left-handers tonight.
Think of a number between 10 and 11.
You don't want to be giving away free kicks in the penalty area.
How are they defensively, attacking-wise?
The ball goes down the keeper's throat where it hits him on the knees to say the least.
He should get his head to those. He is twelve foot tall.
He had acres of time there.
That's not the type of header you want to see your defender make, with his hand.
His head just disappeared into his shoulders.
They scored too early.
Chelsea are the team who can break the Arsenal and Manchester United monopoly.
We haven't had a strategic free kick all night. No one's knocked over attackers ad lib.
You can see the ball go past them, or the man, but you'll never see both man and ball go past at the same time. So if the ball goes past, the man won't, or if the man goes past they'll take the ball.
van Nistelrooy, predating as usual...
I would not say that he (David Ginola) is one of the best left wingers in the Premiership, but there are none better.
They've come out at half time and gone bang.
[Phil Neville] was treading on dangerous water there.
I've had this sneaking feeling throughout the game that it's there to be won
I would also think that the replay showed it to be worse than it actually was.
I think that was a moment of cool panic there.
Beckenbauer has really gambled all his eggs.
If Glenn Hoddle said one word to his team at half time, it was concentration and focus.
They must go for it now as they have nothing to lose but the match.
Woodcock would have scored, but his shot was too perfect.
Someone in the England team will have to grab the ball by the horns.
He's not only a good player, but he's spiteful in the nicest sense of the word.
Tony Adams - he's the rock that the team has grown from.
...and he [Peter Schmeichel] extends and grows even bigger than he is.
They've done the old-fashioned things well; they've kicked the ball, they've headed it.
They've picked their heads up off the ground, and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders.
Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.
He sliced the ball when he had it on a plate.
I'm afraid they've left their legs at home.
The keeper was unsighted - he still didn't see it.
Zero-zero is a big score.
...in the other two games, the FA Cup Final and the Premiership.
You half fancied that to go in as it was rising and dipping at the same time.
Chelsea look like they've got a couple more gears left in the locker.
Now Manchester United are 2-1 down on aggregate, they are in a better position than when they started the game at 1-1.
Huddersfield will want to win this one.
That was Pele's strength - holding people off with his arm.
Stoichkov's playing on the wing, in this situation he likes to come in and scalp the centre-half.
[He's] the eqivalent of the Spanish David Beckham.
A ten-foot keeper really should have stopped that.
There's a little triangle - five left-footed players.
I tell you what, if the Cameroons get a goal back here they're literally gonna catch on fire.
Well, Clive, it's all about the two Ms - movement and positioning.
He must be lightning slow.
There's a snap about Liverpool that just isn't there.
For me their biggest threat is when they get into the attacking part of the field.
If you score against the Italians you deserve a goal.
He'll take some pleasure from that, Brian Carey. He and Steve Bull have been having it off all afternoon.
His white boots were on fire against Arsenal, and he'll be looking for them to reproduce tonight.
When Scholes gets it [tackling] wrong, they come in so late that they arrive yesterday.
This is the best Man United have played in Europe this season and, conversely, the opposition has been excellent.
There's a few tired limbs in the blue legs.